Choosing Peace Over Performance

Protective, present and still figuring out what the hell I'm doing.

Before we left for our trip I was thinking about what would be an ideal summer for me personally. Outside the ideal bucket list items like bonfires, boat days and rainy movie days with my kids; more focused on how I want to feel this summer. The first night we arrived I sat on the porch, looking out at the water, taking a deep breath of breezy Midwest air and told myself, “let yourself be peaceful this summer.”

Something about me is that I hold strong to things that I’m worried will make others think less of me. Stupid shit! Like how many hours my kids are on iPads, how my kids behave or respond around my parents or visitors, if someone is interrupting or wining, if I’m on my phone too much or not paying enough attention to my kids. And the truth is it is all relative, right? We have days when we are on and days when we are not. We have days when our kids are in a great mood and days when they need a second.

Working in social media makes me very protective. I’m constantly worried about how my loved ones are perceived (even if their lives have no presence online). I manipulate situations to make sure it favors those around me. It sounds weird to admit that but I do. I live a little bit in fear of what it might look like on the outside even if intentions are good. Even with my parents, who are nowhere near social media, I fear judgement for them based on my own knowing. Working online and being aware of the comments or judgement that could be received has altered my brain a little bit. I’m so protective of my bubble. Summer especially feels very sacred.